What's Your Beef: The Christmas Gift ~ Bozeman Style ~
by Jerry Schuster | Friday Dec. 1st, 2017
Have you been thinking about your Christmas gift ideas for family and friends? Okay, it’s a dumb question, of course you have. Just checking to see if your mind is alert.
Here are some gift ideas for you, the good and faithful readers of Bozeman Magazine. You deserve a reward. I have given this some very serious thought to make your gift shopping a breeze, and it can all be done locally. Go now, get yourself a fresh cup of coffee and then return to finish reading this article.
You’re back. That was quick. So, what we’re looking for here are some unique Bozeman gift ideas, since, duh, we live in Bozeman and you are reading the Bozeman Magazine. What did you expect, something suited to Billings?
We will start with some practical items and then move on to the frivolous as space allows. Just stay with me here. You’ll be so happy for the ideas.
My first idea is new this year and very unique to the Bozeman area. Millennials and wanna-be known persons will love this one. It is a GPS operated application for your device which tracks the movement and location of the coffee shops and breweries in the area. Since it is getting frustrating to keep up with the new and moving coffee shops and breweries in town, this app will save you a lot of wasted anxiety, and you will be the life of the party showing it off.
The app will list each coffee shop and brewery by name, former name, name anticipated for next week, location, former location and location for next week. As the ten new businesses open each week, you will be given location clues, as a sort of game similar to “Pokémon”. If you locate the business using just the clues, you will get lots of downloadable coupons for specials.
Of course, it will provide current prices, updated by the day. For example, the “Bridger single-sourced huckleberry infused latte with hints of local mountain edible flowers,” only $14.98 for the small. Try a new beer? There’s the “High Country IPA with a gluten-free based, Montana-sourced grain of some sort; can’t be wheat or barley, so got you there” special at the new “Three Fingers Short Brewery” on Durston. Comes in a foot-tall frosted glass at only $26.48.
Another genre. For the dog owners on your list, which means everyone except three people in Bozeman, might I recommend one of those new invisible dog leashes. What these do is allow you to let your dogs run loose on the sidewalks and peoples’ yards. If confronted, you simply hold your hand out in a leash grip and proclaim, “It’s the new invisible dog leash; comes in several invisible colors.”
These are hard to find in the stores, because they’re invisible.
Just ask the clerk, and be polite about it. Check the package carefully, as it should contain nothing. These are very reasonable in price point, only $54.69.
I have to mention one other dog owner’s idea. It’s an automatic pooper-picker-upper system. What it does is track your dog’s walk via GPS. When it detects a, well, bowel movement, it sends a signal to a remote controlled drone. The drone flies to the deposit area to scoop up the poop that you accidentally neglected to tend to along the trail. It then flies to your yard and deposits it all in a nice neat pile, which you can then properly dispose of at your convenience. Everyone comes out a winner.
These units are a bit pricy, but just think of the freedom it provides. Worth every penny. They run about $1,523.95.
I’m now switching to some ideas for the vehicle owners on your list. Since each household in the valley owns 4.25 vehicles, this will be very helpful.
The first device is a very loud muffler to replace your present one. These are mainly for young men with pickups. What it actually amounts to is a straight pipe. When the officer pulls you over for excessive noise, you can show her
that it is a legal and bona fide muffler. Stamped right on the pipe is the word “muffler.”
These really work well when you pass an elderly person who is driving a little too slow for your style. It also comes in a “loud pop” model, which emits a very loud bang when you let off on the accelerator. This device is wonderful for teaching those pokey and careful drivers to stay off the city streets except on Sunday between the hours of 9 and 12.
Along with the muffler, order one of those really cool “smoke bomb” units for the pickup owner. At the flip of a dashboard switch, the tailpipe will belch out a large, black cloud of smoke. Although this will cause extreme panic to the vehicle operators around you, not to worry. This black cloud will soon dissipate and mix with our ubiquitous valley smog, and besides, compared to the pollution of the last fire season, this is trivial. This is a must-have device especially made for the owners of those tall pickups which require a stepladder to enter. WARNING: Do not get one of these for Aunt Flossie’s Buick.
There seems to be no end to the local gift ideas rumbling through my mind right now; I am on “a roll.” Alas, only so much print space available and I don’t want to be a page hog.
Just some real quick stocking stuffer ideas and I’ll let you go.
1. A coupon good for a parking spot right in front of Burger Bob’s for three hours of your choice. The cost is $1,500.00, as the city will have to tow the vehicle already parked there, and will have to defend the liability law suit filed by its owner.
2. A bottle of elixir to cure writer’s block. Order early, as this will be very popular since there are only six people in Bozeman who are not writing a book. Don’t ask about the ingredients; they are all locally sourced and are gluten, soy, nut and lactose-free. Look for “Elixir to cure Writer’s Block” with the tiny print disclaimer on the back,“may not result in publication.” Available at your local health food store. Very affordable, so your writer friends will not be embarrassed by an expensive gift, as they have no money to repay the kindness. Can also be regifted; just fill the bottle with tap water.
Before leaving you, may I wish you peace and happiness during this special season and throughout the year 2018. Let go of something that divides you from family and friends; listen more and talk less; count your daily blessings and reach out to the less fortunate. Oh yea, turn off the TV and listen to some good music, it will soothe your soul.
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to All.